you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
