my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
