So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
