Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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