No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
