I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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