I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
