I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
