Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
