I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
