Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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