So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
