i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
