I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
