i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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