Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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