now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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