i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Randomize
