you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
