my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
