I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
worst night to have a conscience
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
