Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
