someone get that fucking seahorse.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He? As in you personified your dick?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
