I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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