I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
