Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its about making memories worth repressing
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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