I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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