I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
