You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
