you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
