The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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