The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
