She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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