god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
