I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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