i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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