my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
