Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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