So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
