Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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