i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
