Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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