Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
