The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
