so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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