Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
