Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
