Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
