i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
