new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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