Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
