I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
