I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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