my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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